No matter how much i try, no matter how much i resist, no matter how much i forget, no matter how much i try to make bliss…..nothing seems to go my way. My uncles once said “listen to the baby of the family for his words are the wisest out of them all”….i still feel like i can save my family…For what happened last thanksgiving was unbearable for not only me but more importantly..my brother. For a man who claims to love my sister for the last 3-4 years, to call my brother a dick in-front of all of us was teeth grinding for me & brain boiling for my brother. To sit there & have a family/honor based mentality we grew up with should’ve been burnt into our minds right?…guess that went completely out the window when our mom just sat there & let my sisters boyfriend call carlos out on it & carlos FOR ONCE was being the bigger man & letting it go…until clarissa antagonized him by saying “go ahead & hit him if he made you so mad!” and made him lose his temper. Walking out the door with him he stopped and had to say what he had to say to cory & cory had to say what he had to say to carlos. The feel of betrayal carlos felt when our mom who has always stood up for me, carlos & clarissa throughout the years no matter how fucked up the situation, no matter where we were, no matter how old we were & no matter how bad we fucked up she continued to be there & show her loyalty to her 3 children throughout these years….For our mom to sit there & let this supposed MAN that loves our sister to call carlos worthless, mean, heartless & a disgrace to our family was unforgivable to me but mainly carlos….Carlos & clarissa had our mom but never built a relationship with their father but had an unbreakable one with mom…in the matter of 2 minutes…that unbreakable bond was shattered to fucking pieces thanks to this stuck up, high horse riding dick head who thinks he can come into our family & thinks he knows everything that has been going on in it in the matter of 4 years makes me want to rip his fucking throat out every time i think, see, hear or deal with him….I have never had an emotional bond with carlos really until that night when he was furious, crying & shaking with this feel of betrayal….the things he yelled at mom back at the house were very over the top & unforgivable while i sat there & listened to the rage in his voice…He claims that noone has ever cared about him & that nobody ever liked him because he is the way he is. But i was there for him & had to not let him slip into this depression ball that he was forming in his mind……TO ALL MY FRIENDS!!——->The reason for me being gone so much the last 6 months has been because of this split family based life ive been dealing with. I have been silent on the 420 trip to santa cruz because it made me think about WTF i was doing with myself….i was quiet & anti social around all these new people but the people that i could sit there with & tell about this, were all with people i just met & did not feel comfortable expressing my feelings with yet at all…I was smoking with carlos to ease the pain & forget about it with him. We smoked everyday for the last 2 years because we had something in common..but this shit is a major set back & i cant believe it took me so long to realize…I become more & more less tolerable with people i do not like & people who are fucking annoying. IF I DO NOT TALK TO YOU MAYBE ITS BECAUSE OF HOW YOU TALKED TO ME!! im not being rude when you were the fucking asshole who wanted to be a big fucking ‘tough’ guy & start talking shit to me when i was just doing my own thing. then when i confront you about it what do you do? start stuttering over your words & dont knoe what to say because i knew what you were doing the whole time i was eavesdropping on your conversation about me!….I am just so sick of all this bullshit i have been dealing with & its making me into the type of Derek Santos that needs to be ready for this world & im perfectly alright with it. Stoner, loser, low life, bum,pot head, drug addict WHATEVER ive heard (& ive heard a lot said about me from alot of my friends! so dont think i dont fucking know!) who are you to judge me? your not there everyday to see what i do!….Wolfeboro is coming up faster & faster & all i can really do is just get ready because it is the best place on earth hands fucking down!!….before i leave i am going to gather my sister, brother, mom, & sisters boyfriend & tell them what the fuck is wrong with the whole situation….this has to be done because i am not going to sit by another fucking generation & let my family get fucking dysfunctional over some stupid bullshit that was caused by some fucking idiot who thinks he can come into our family & tells us whats wrong with us. If i cant gather them together i will leave them all a farewell group message for all of them before i go to wolfeboro because i will probably go fucking insane knowing that all this is still going on when im up there cut off from civilization & only having me & phillip as my brothers only people he can go to……not only my brother im afraid of leaving but a close friend im afraid of leaving to…iv’e never been so shooken up by my friend saying those things….it made me scared & lose a sense of hope….i just hope he is safe & out of harms way…I will never ever give up on life, even if it throws curveballs or fucking fireballs at you….I will get off my soap box now to get some damn sleep & if your still reading this…thank you for seeing my anger, frustration & stress that i have been dealing with lately.