No matter how much i try, no matter how much i resist, no matter how much i forget, no matter how much i try to make bliss…..nothing seems to go my way. My uncles once said “listen to the baby of the family for his words are the wisest out of them all”….i still feel like i can save my family…For what happened last thanksgiving was unbearable for not only me but more importantly..my brother. For a man who claims to love my sister for the last 3-4 years, to call my brother a dick in-front of all of us was teeth grinding for me & brain boiling for my brother. To sit there & have a family/honor based mentality we grew up with should’ve been burnt into our minds right?…guess that went completely out the window when our mom just sat there & let my sisters boyfriend call carlos out on it & carlos FOR ONCE was being the bigger man & letting it go…until clarissa antagonized him by saying “go ahead & hit him if he made you so mad!” and made him lose his temper. Walking out the door with him he stopped and had to say what he had to say to cory & cory had to say what he had to say to carlos. The feel of betrayal carlos felt when our mom who has always stood up for me, carlos & clarissa throughout the years no matter how fucked up the situation, no matter where we were, no matter how old we were & no matter how bad we fucked up she continued to be there & show her loyalty to her 3 children throughout these years….For our mom to sit there & let this supposed MAN that loves our sister to call carlos worthless, mean, heartless & a disgrace to our family was unforgivable to me but mainly carlos….Carlos & clarissa had our mom but never built a relationship with their father but had an unbreakable one with mom…in the matter of 2 minutes…that unbreakable bond was shattered to fucking pieces thanks to this stuck up, high horse riding dick head who thinks he can come into our family & thinks he knows everything that has been going on in it in the matter of 4 years makes me want to rip his fucking throat out every time i think, see, hear or deal with him….I have never had an emotional bond with carlos really until that night when he was furious, crying & shaking with this feel of betrayal….the things he yelled at mom back at the house were very over the top & unforgivable while i sat there & listened to the rage in his voice…He claims that noone has ever cared about him & that nobody ever liked him because he is the way he is. But i was there for him & had to not let him slip into this depression ball that he was forming in his mind……TO ALL MY FRIENDS!!——->The reason for me being gone so much the last 6 months has been because of this split family based life ive been dealing with. I have been silent on the 420 trip to santa cruz because it made me think about WTF i was doing with myself….i was quiet & anti social around all these new people but the people that i could sit there with & tell about this, were all with people i just met & did not feel comfortable expressing my feelings with yet at all…I was smoking with carlos to ease the pain & forget about it with him. We smoked everyday for the last 2 years because we had something in common..but this shit is a major set back & i cant believe it took me so long to realize…I become more & more less tolerable with people i do not like & people who are fucking annoying. IF I DO NOT TALK TO YOU MAYBE ITS BECAUSE OF HOW YOU TALKED TO ME!! im not being rude when you were the fucking asshole who wanted to be  a big fucking ‘tough’ guy & start talking shit to me when i was just doing my own thing. then when i confront you about it what do you do? start stuttering over your words & dont knoe what to say because i knew what you were doing the whole time i was eavesdropping on your conversation about me!….I am just so sick of all this bullshit i have been dealing with & its making me into the type of Derek Santos that needs to be ready for this world & im perfectly alright with it. Stoner, loser, low life, bum,pot head, drug addict WHATEVER ive heard (& ive heard a lot said about me from alot of my friends! so dont think i dont fucking know!) who are you to judge me? your not there everyday to see what i do!….Wolfeboro is coming up faster & faster & all i can really do is just get ready because it is the best place on earth hands fucking down!!….before i leave i am going to gather my sister, brother, mom, & sisters boyfriend & tell them what the fuck is wrong with the whole situation….this has to be done because i am not going to sit by another fucking generation & let my family get fucking dysfunctional over some stupid bullshit that was caused by some fucking idiot who thinks he can come into our family & tells us whats wrong with us. If i cant gather them together i will leave them all a farewell group message for all of them before i go to wolfeboro because i will probably go fucking insane knowing that all this is still going on when im up there cut off from civilization & only having me & phillip as my brothers only people he can go to……not only my brother im afraid of leaving but a close friend im afraid of leaving to…iv’e never been so shooken up by my friend saying those things….it made me scared & lose a sense of hope….i just hope he is safe & out of harms way…I will never ever give up on life, even if it throws curveballs or fucking fireballs at you….I will get off my soap box now to get some damn sleep & if your still reading this…thank you for seeing my anger, frustration & stress that i have been dealing with lately. 

-derek

Im 19 with a sense of no direction but ive been wanting nothing but peace, Hapiness, joy & good times…why? Because sometime i cant even stand the fact that i live here in the bay area. I am proud of the town Crockett which has been my safe haven called home for the last 19 almost 20 years now. I am the 3rd generation of Santos to have graduated from John Swett & the 2nd generation of Santos to achieve the rank of eagle scout. I have the honor of having my name right next to my fathers on the Crockett eagle scout board & i am thankful for that. I know the relationship has been rocky & very tense between me and my dad but all he has shown me in my lifetime has been for my own good. Even though i still do not see eye to eye with him i know that he is just watching out for me & is doing the best he can for me. I couldnt imagine what it would be like losing my mother at 5 years old & losing my father at 15 years old. The fact that my grandfather worked at Toots tavern which has been right up & around the corner from me for about….12 years still sends chills down my spine. Thinking of that cold hearted son of a bitch that sliced his neck open & caused my dad to be the man he is today makes me so angry that all i can do is just let it go.. Having not a single parent figure around can do alot to a kid/teen. I can see how i am like him in the same ways…trying to run from problems with alcohol or weed hasnt gotten me shit & i realised that once i snapped out my wolfeboro silence. The decisions i have made in my life are all about the journey called life…Yeah i may have disappeared & got stoned everyday for about the last 1 1/2 years but i had control over it & for people to sit there & judge me as being the ‘Stoner’ they thought i was in High school (when i hadnt touched anything until the last 2 months of my senior year) is just fucking ridiculous. I dont need my fucking friends lecturing me about shit that i already realized/ learned from it. Your not me & you sure AS FUCK cannot tell me that i need to stop smoking, spending so much money on weed, or let alone say that i need to watch my fucking money!!! I have cut back & quit smoking weed for a while because i need to get my shit together if i want to GTFO of the bay & experience the world. I admit yes i am a little more ‘Socially Awkward’ now but its because of the withdrawals but i am not getting phased by it as i push forward trying to progress, as the past is the past….I cant stand all the annoyance of all this stupid minded ‘he said, she said’ drama! I hate living in the bay area a majority of the time because of the surrounding cities/people here in the bay. Just because were from the Bay Area doesnt mean you have to have a false sense of who you are because once you try and act all ‘hard’ or ‘tough’ with the wrong person around & they call you out on your shit (me last week) what happens? No more fucking tough guy or smart ass remarks why?? because everyone has this awesome mentality about themselves just because we are from The Bay Area…I do agree that this is one of the greatest places to live because of all the accessibility we have to these major cities around us. But when you complain about not getting what you want just because your fucking daddy doesnt have a little extra pocket change after he bought you jordans, a new iPhone or new watch…be grateful for what you have because if me or my siblings complained about what we got we got a smack across the mouth or a thwack of a wooden spoon. I hate my generation because a majority of them dont even know how to fucking say please or thank you. I am glad My dad made me go into scouting because it taught me respect, self discipline & good manners. Ive been called an old soul because of my sense of respecting my elders. Noone really will ever understand why i would spend 2 months in the woods with no contact to the outside world..its because you get to actually get to enjoy the beauty of this wonderful yet powerful camp. Having no phone, no video games, no t.v, no computer & no drama! I love the outdoors & just feeling alive. I love being able to talk with people without having the interruption of a text or phone call, then have them being a mindless zombie staring at his phone when your trying to engage the conversation with everyone. 2012 camp staff will be the best & most fond memory ive ever had in the valley of hells kitchen! I have been going to this camp since 2004..one week out of each summer the last 7 years of my scouting career could not even touch the best 2 months ive spent in that valley as a Wolfeboro Staff Member.Call me crazy, weird, awesome, funny, strange or what ever you remember me as just please remember….once we are gone…we are gone & all we are going to be is names on a fucking wall..God forbid that i go early but if i do i will make sure that my ashes will be resting in campsite Bouke next to Mr. Pats & Mr. Broligio’s ashes…call me crazy but like i said none will understand the true power of this camp & the effect it has had on 100’s of others…As i sit here and type thinking none’s gunna read this shit but i don’t care i needed to vent this out & if you do read this i really do appreciate the time you’ve take to read my frustrations with todays world…now i must continue on the rest of this month until it is time for departure for the 2013 Camp Wolfeboro session….about a month to go & i can be back to Peace..Tranquility..Hapiness….& life

- Derek Santos